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Welcome to our discussion on false allegations against stepparents. This area is fraught with challenges, particularly around discipline. As a stepparent, it’s crucial to engage thoughtfully, ensuring any disciplinary action involves the biological parent. Stay informed, stay involved, but above all, stay out of trouble.
An area where we see an awful lot of false allegations is in the stepparent role. It’s very important, if you’re the stepparent, to be above reproach in everything that you do. Quite often, we have kids who might prefer the other biological parent. Anything you do that’s improper, the kid will report back to that parent, and before you know it, the police are winding up at your doorstep.
It’s very important that you’re not the primary disciplinarian when you have stepkids. If the other biological parent is actively involved, make sure that the biological parent is the one implementing the discipline. Yes, as a couple, you should be talking about things, but ensure the biological parent is actually carrying it out. At the very least, discipline should be done jointly.
As an aside to this, I know you’ve been in this personal situation. Is that a rule you followed in your personal life?
100%.
Really?
Yes. Keeps you out of trouble with the kid, the other parent, and, more importantly, your spouse.
That might be a good rule too.
The best rule.
Even if you do find yourself in a position where your significant other relies on you to be the male figure, for example, in the relationship, please make sure that everything you do when it comes to discipline comes from the right place in your heart. We always tell clients, for example, never punish when you’re angry. Never do it out of anger. Do it to teach a lesson, but don’t do it when you’re angry. Use appropriate professional support and be sure to involve other professionals where necessary to address the behavior of your unruly teenager.
And you know, Roland, very often we see allegations of sexual misconduct come from kids who have been indoctrinated in these topics in their school settings. Some of them are quite sophisticated for their age, especially older teenagers. They know that if they get in trouble—for example, for cutting class, having drugs on them, going out with older boys, sneaking out, having a cell phone when they’re not supposed to, or talking to adults (maybe sexually) online—all they have to do is make an allegation that their stepparent is somehow touching them inappropriately or abusing them. Then, all of a sudden, all sins are forgiven. Everyone forgets the trouble they’re in, and the focus is all on their victimization—or alleged victimization—and not on that child’s transgressions or misbehaviors.
With that in mind, if you’re the stepparent, please be aware of this. Be very, very careful and remember: you have to protect yourself at all times. Make sure to delegate, like Roland said, where possible, disciplinary decisions to your spouse or significant other.
If you’re in a school setting, medical setting, or working with a social worker, remember that anything the child reports to a social worker, nurse, or teacher will be reported to law enforcement. All of these categories of professionals are mandated reporters under California law. It is illegal for them not to forward a report of abuse, even if they don’t believe it. As a result, this will be the start of a criminal investigation—whether you like it or not, and whether or not the mandated reporter even believes the child. Once the police get involved, this may take on a life of its own and start something you may not be able to stop down the road.
Also, remember that all communications with your children, especially stepchildren, need to be proper. Do not talk about sex with your stepkids. If you’re an older male talking to a younger female without her mom present, don’t act like you’re their best friend. You’re still a parent, and you need to act like one.
I agree. It’s a good rule to live by.
It’s an absolute good rule—to stay out of trouble.
